Episode 5

JOURNALS OF A NIGERIAN UNDERGRADUATE

MIRRIOR MIRROR ON THE WALL

Son of A BITCH!!! I woke up yelling. Its 8am and I’m late for my 9a.m class. The cold in this town is so terrible, you intend to wake up by 7am, you do wake up by 6.45 and convince yourself that you can sleep for just 15mins and then wake up by 10a.m (I’m sure it’s happened to all of you so don’t judge me). Well here I am in such a rush, it didn’t occur to me the phrase that woke me up was from one of my roommates yelling “Anya m ahunna fornication”!!!, or why Monday was covered in the sheets with one of our cleaners and Kene my other roommate had his eyes closed in one corner of the room. Nope, my aim was to get to school early and ignore my room drama for now.

Ok I’m good, clean, take home to mama handsome and ready to go. The only thing left is to check myself out in a mirror if everything is proper but I don’t own one so off I go downstairs to the exit where there’s a large size mirror and there he is. The epitome of Narcissism.

Ladies and Gentlemen may I introduce you to WILLIAM. A.K.A SIR WANK-A-LOT (Umm that word your looking at and feeling self righteous about has another dictionary meaning). He comes from a planet of far far away called NARCISM-DOR.  When he was born he was so fine the planet was endangered by his fine looks so they put him on a spaceship with only a mirror to contain himself and made him travel many light years to earth where he landed in Nsukka and entered UNN with just a mirror, so he cherished mirrors for the rest of his life.

I’m sorry for diverting but that’s how much this fool loved the mirror. Thiiiees bitch ogles at him self all day long. I mean I go to school, I see him in front of the mirror, I come back he’s there. Changing clothes and just checking him self out. In every outfit you can think of shirts, trousers, underwear (eww)… rain coat? A freaking rai… what kind of self respecting man checks himself out wearing a raincoat? I mean what’s he thinking? Oh I bet I’ll be sexy in the rain too with this fine arse raincoat. It was so bad one day there was a fire and this fool unhooked the mirror (at the exit) so he could see if his facial expressions were still sexy while running for his life. Thiiiieees bitch needed help. I mean serious Dr Phil help, but my class was still more important so advising him wasn’t on my agenda and neither was waiting for him to finish with the mirror so I just peeped from behind and Ok I’m good.

Turning to the exit to take my leave this fool now goes,” Hey, are you not that Nwa Mommy boy”? Everyone around starts laughing again and I get flash backs of registration day I thought I had buried for good. I turn around with the fakest smile I could summon and respond “guy that’s so old, I mean dinosauric  old. It’s so old I’ve had worse embarrassments in this school after that one, why bring up old shit”? He laughs and answers, I just dey play, reaches out his hand in a hand shakey friendly gesture, no vex, he says seeming sincere. I’m Will he says , I knew he was trying to make peace but well… I wasn’t. I shake his hand and answer really fast, wow, I thought it was pretty boy wanker.  Not hearing very well he asks, what? Responding slower this time, I said wow your shirt has a tweety bird poster (which it actually did). He smiles to him self looking at the mirror, yes it does. Well I have to run I said rushing out, later guy.

I got a front seat in the bus and was still waiting for it to fill up when I heard a female voice say, is there someone in the front there with you? I look through my window and its… OMG its her. The girl from episode one who asked to stand in front of me on the line and got me the stinker name Nwa Mommy. She was still looking her hot self. How I’d love to spend one of these cold nights with her my early mornings wont be sooo HARD. Hellooo!! She says again waking me up from my sweet sick fantasies, can I sit near you? She asks. I manage to stutter out s-s-sure. Moving swiftly and awkwardly I open the door, then stepped out to let her in but just as I was following her, someone faster than me jumps in behind her, sits on my chair, politely says thank you man and shuts the door in front of me. Yeah your guess is very accurate. It was SIR WANK-A-LOT. Bitch arsed WiLLIAM just chanced me saying thank you in the process. I said to him, trying to be a gentleman because of the lady, ”dude that’s my chair”. To my surprise THE LADY now answers, but there’s still one behind as she looks at Jerry’s face in awe of his charm. Stunned by the chancing, I stutter jibberish and sit behind them. The bus fills and starts moving and I’m still quiet wondering what just happened to me. I had literally gone from being in the passengers seat to getting front row tickets to watch the girl of my dreams taken away from me by Wanky W here.                 

My name is William he says as they gayly stared at each other. She answers, Jessica smiling back at him. He turns around looks at me and says that’s my friend sitting behind his name is umm… I answered Obi. She now goes Oh I know him, is he not that NWA MOMMY dude? They both start laughing. I had to put up a fake laugh myself muttering “Oh their clowning already hahaha, funny people, very funny people. She goes on to explain to him how I got baptised with this awful stigma of a name. Sure I’d like to be a subject in her discussion but not in this manner. The journey that normally took 5mins now seemed to take hours because of their annoying discussion. At the end he got her room number and I got to be called Nwa Mommy the hundredth time. I actually feel like I’m wearing diapers now. William turns to me and says hey, abi you go follow me come go her room tomorrow night. I look at him and start thinking about the balls of this fool. You make fun of me with the girl of my dreams, and now you want me to be your wingman, bast…. He asks again are you coming? I stutter sssure what time? At least I get to see her room and be close to her. She must also have some fine friends. Wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Next morning I woke up in high spirit, to go downstairs and see William in front of the mirror coughing. I don’t feel too good he says, I have a cough. What!? I responded. In actual fact I was happy but I wouldn’t let anything get  in the way of seeing the girl of my dreams even though I wasn’t in the drivers seat, so I had to act fast.  Well I’ve got…I paused my sentence to notice this dude was watching his facial expression while coughing. Slowly I walk in front of him to block his view of the mirror and he suddenly frowns. Is it this bad? I think to myself. So sad. Anyway I continue talking, well what I meant to say is I have something that can cure the cough by tonight. What? He beamed with interest. Some herbal drugs my mom gave me, I say running up to get them. Handing them to him saying, you’re to take two… he interrupts me saying ha! Nwa Mommy, see as she gave you fine medicine to take care of you. Noticing I didn’t find it the least bit funny, he continues , ehen you were saying I’m to take two…four tablets, I interrupted. William looking surprised, four tablets? Four tablets!? He repeated. Yes four I answered with a stern look on my face. I thought you were going to say two, he was looking sad at this point. No I meant to say four. You’re sure? He asks, I’m certain I answer.  He then opens it and takes out a tablet. Aaaaargh!!! He yells. Whats the matter? I ask looking confused, the tablets are big, and they stink. Well no pain no gain, after all no medicine smells good from my knowledge. So he finally swallows them  as I turn around and walk away with my contempt smile of mischief.

Now honestly the dosage for that drug was two tablets, but it’s a supplement so a bit more wont hurt him. After all it’ll get him well. Ummm except for one problem though… Will’s (I guess I can call him Will now after saving his life, though I’ll take it away soon)room is next to the mirror and I couldn’t help but notice the plate of beans on his table while blocking his view from the mirror which means beans was for breakfast. The tablets I gave him were Garlic supplements which of course with the normally dosage will leave him GASTRONOMICALLY REDUNDANT. Now that I’ve given him an overdose+beans… that should leave his arse HIGHLY FLAMMABLE by tonight when we go and see Jessica.

Story continues soon.